以學生習作為例剖析托福雅思大作文常見錯誤

昂立外語托雅  鄭偉

托福和雅思考試的大作文（即議論文）出題方式基本相同，涉及生活、教育、媒體、經濟、社會、環境等相關話題。在以往的教學經驗中，我發現考生常出現一些類似的錯誤，大致可以歸為這樣幾類。

以下就以我的一個學生寫的作文為例，看一下常見的錯誤以及修改方法。

這道題目屬于媒體類話題，關于廣告對于人們購買行為的影響。附上雅思強化班學生Amy的習作及講評。該學生詞匯量約5000，詞匯量已經過關，但是運用詞匯時常有小錯誤。寫作文的思路有時有些偏差，因此建議她更加細心，寫完之后留時間檢查，并且多讀范文，遇到考題認真整理思路。

題目：Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Hard to deny, messy commercials on TV are becoming an integral part of our daily life. Due to it（改為them,因為指代的是前面的commercials）, the sales data registers a continued peak, which, to some extent, reflects the ever-changing requirements of customers. However, does it always true? (謂語使用有誤，應該是is it always true?)

Advertisements, as one by-product of modernization and globalization, act as media exposing the encompassing markets cared for（建議改為catering for） the customers’ all-round needy(needy 是形容詞，表示窮苦的，貧困的。這里應該改為needs). Advanced digital products in terms of (in terms of 在這里使用不恰當，它并沒有列舉的作用，而是表示“按照，依據，就…來說”.因此建議改為such as)cameras, computers, intelligent robots…the list is endless, are introduced extensively through this kind of access, thanks to which, our potential needs can find ways to be fulfilled and even to be further provoked(這句話整體寫得很好！). Additionally, the advanced scientific treat pills aiming at unique groups who deadly need（建議改為 who are badly in need of. 因為need常與badly連用，而非deadly） help would find no more continent and efficient approach to step into the public other than by advertising.Both of these cases are but a few of many that exemplify the situation that advertisements serve as information intermedia.

But hardly can all the advertisements function under this situation. Promote-oriented (Promotion-oriented) commercials, involving in(去掉in) price reduction, gifts return policy; (and / or) even small scale gamble would illustrate another phenomenon that customers are purchasing on an impulse of curiosity or recreation. The categories of children and youngsters (what kind of category? 表義不夠明確) are inclined to be influenced most both physically and psychologically. That’s why these advertisements are colored presented and elaborately refined, with common products in effect. Not only does(改為do,主語是commercials，復數) these commercials torture customers’ real needs, but also a staggering number of other counterparts exaggerate the needs by conducting misleading and fake information. Numerous statistics is shown（is shown改為show或者showed。這里是主動關系，數據表明…） that the gap between advertisements and genuine products are far prom dim.

Finally, to a substantial level, the large profits brought by advertisements are the consequence of well（well是副詞或表語形容詞，一般不作定語修飾名詞。因此這里可以改為excellent / good/ wonderful） interaction between enterprises and individuals; otherwise, there coexist imperative demands to handle ill-intentioned advertisements representing fake bandwagon.

當時批改的評語：這篇文章還是秉承了你詞匯豐富的一貫作風，單詞使用變換靈活，效果非常好，能看出語言功底。但是該文章中有兩個問題。第一：還是要注意用詞、語法的準確性，寫好后不妨花兩分鐘的時間檢查一下，發現里面基本的失誤，加以修改。第二：指代要清楚，句式使用要兼顧首尾，保證準確，詞的搭配和短語的使用方法要確定好了再用。

寫作的條理很好，三個層次比較清晰，看得出思路不錯。范文在后面，這篇是雅思考試的高分作文，可以借鑒一下它的文風，語言比較簡潔，而且很流暢，遣詞造句非常準確。

高分范文：

Nowadays, there are lots of advertisements on television or on the streets. Some people think that the advertising boosts the sales of goods and it encourages people to buy unnecessary things. This argument may be true. In my country, many advertising companies produce advertisements with famous and popular actors or singers. People, especially youngsters, buy goods that their favorite singer advertises, although they do not really need the products.

Also, on the television screen, a product may look gorgeous and good quality. As a result of it, people often buy goods without enough consideration. Consumers may not actually need it but they buy goods impulsively soon after they watch the advertising. Furthermore, as many customers buy a particular product due to its advertising campaign, the other people may be affected by the trend, even if the product is not of the real needs of the society.

On the other hand, there are various aspects against these arguments. Moreover, it is people’s choice to make a decision to buy goods. Advertising may be not a cause of customers’ buying habits. Individuals have their own spending habits. If they have got enough disposable income, then the right to make a decision is given to them. No one actually can judge whether the goods sold are the real needs of the society or not.

In addition, as there should be a limited amount of disposable income consumers are able to spend, people try to allocate their budgets. They cannot be simply swayed by those advertisements.

In conclusion, as customers have their own strong opinions and standard of high quality goods, it is better to leave them to make their own decision in buy goods. It is fairly difficult to say everyone is swayed by advertising and buy good impulsively. However, in some area of businesses such as toy industries, it may be necessary to band advertising to those children as children have not got enough ability to control themselves or know what they need. 

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